just blacked out and bought a ticket to see hozier lads

froody:

froody:

honey, I was thinking that we could spice things up in the bedroom by turning the heat off and pretending to be gold prospectors in the Yukon during winter who have to have sex to avoid freezing to death. how does that sound, babe?

oh so temperature play is fun when it’s hot wax but god forbid I try to save us some money

arsonforcharlie:

derinthescarletpescatarian:

octagoncalibrator:

derinthescarletpescatarian:

kunou78:

googledocsdyke:

mostlybats-partiallyrats:

googledocsdyke:

remember when you were 10 and you would hang out with your friends in order to Look At The Computer together like you went to their house and experienced the information superhighway together. and then leave

How fucking old are you people?

normal amount

You see, there used to be a time (not all that long ago) when being offline was the default. And going online was the rare and wonderful thing that we (briefly) enjoyed.

It even came with happy modem noises.

They weren’t happy noises.

They were polite and reasonable noises! The sound of protocol being followed! Negotiation and compromise!

The box would scream

yeah I scream when I need to compromise too, the box isn’t special

xxredwoodxx:

itznarcotic:

clover11-10:

geminisnterlude:

cannibalchicken:

Keep reading

I once worked in housekeeping for fairfield (Marriott) and I would tuck in plushies

On behalf of us guests who need our huggies you’re doing god’s work and I formally pledge my allliegance to you in times of need.

secondlina:

Some Crow doodles 💙

caffeinatedrosary:

kactusnz:

mayasaura:

gender-trash:

gender-trash:

gender-trash:

i am! obsessed! with this book from the late ming dynasty about scams to watch out for (esp. if you are a traveling merchant). this guy is like, there ARE immortals who can survive without food but you WILL NOT encounter them because they live alone in the mountains and don’t talk to anyone. if a monk comes to your house and claims to not need to eat, it’s probably because he’s secretly eating human fetuses, or something. eunuchs are invariably corrupt and the court system is useless. however, do NOT try to bribe anyone for a better SAT result for your idiot failson; this never works. nuns WILL try to seduce your wife into cheating on you. if your idiot failson does really badly on the SAT, make sure to have his father’s remains buried somewhere with A+ fengshui; this is Guaranteed to work (unless your wife is cheating on you).

oh yeah and ofc there’s the classic pretending-a-cow-is-the-reincarnation-of-your-deceased-mother scam. watch out for that one

answers to frequently asked questions:

• the book is “The Book of Swindles” (i’m reading the columbia university press abridged edition)
• its actually not the SAT its the civil service exams but like. same difference
• yes it IS unhinged and you SHOULD read it

I need to know. What is the reincarnated cow mom scam?

found the english translation in a search.

• buddhist monk encounters a friendly cow that likes to lick people when they are sweaty (salt)
• monk drenches self in brine
• monk goes to cow’s owner, claims the cow is the reincarnation of his deceased mother who was insufficiently devout, proves it by the cow having ‘affection’ for him like that between a mother and a son (licking his face profusely)
• monk asks to buy the cow at half price but has no money (due to being monk), owner is so moved that he gives the monk the cow
• monk now has a free cow (this is where I thought it would end) - fattens it up and has it slaughtered, sells half the meat and turns the other half to jerky, which he keeps hidden in his robes.
• monk encounters a wealthy man and visits him at his house.
• monk claims to be the spiritual brother of the wealthy man in a past life and that the wealthy man has been reincarnated as a human because he was too attached to the mortal world. monk claims that he has knowledge of past lives through being extremely devout and that he has been fasting for three years, consuming only hot water or clear tea. 'proves’ this by fasting for another month at the wealthy man’s house (by secretly eating the jerky).
• Convinces the wealthy man that to show devotion he should give away a large sum of money for the monk to deliver to a holy man building a hermitage. Monk absconds with half the money.

Nothing like high quality, Ming Dynasty tea!🍵

Originally posted by kemch

c-rowlesdraws:

I was listening to the radio in the car yesterday because my phone was refusing to play through the speakers, and in my head I was spinning it into a positive, like “well now I can see what music is actually popular right now instead of what Spotify picks for me according to my tastes,” like by dosing myself with FM radio I, too, in my twilight years (early 30’s) can cling to cultural relevance and literacy by my fingertips, and then a song came on where a woman sang the line, “like Fortnite, Imma need your skin”, and you know, maybe it would be all right to just uncurl my fingers and let go after all

oysters-aint-for-me:

i hate hate hate that the “NINEteenth century” is talking about the EIGHTEEN hundreds. i know why this happens mathematically and stuff. but isn’t it just so fucked up? doesn’t it feel so wrong? dont you have to fight with your brain to reconcile the difference? is this not a sign of humanity’s eternal despair?

elodieunderglass:

queerskittles:

adamdoesstuffhere:

Megoosa.

Gonna go out on a limb and assume @elodieunderglass has been tagged here a billion times but tag them anyway just in case

I think you’re the first. She’s amazing! I feel strongly that her gaze shouldn’t turn you to stone. (That property is usually strongly associated with mythical serpents, and is probably genetic.) I think that her gaze should do something different to you; perhaps you freeze in place, sweating slightly, until she looks away from you, and you’re released. And then one individual goose suddenly whips around and stares at you, and you are frozen again!